Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
