I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
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