I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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