your thong is hanging out like whoa
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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