Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
