I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
