Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
