I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
