My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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