when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
