When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
