i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
