Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
