Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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