tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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