I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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