Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
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