Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
