I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
