I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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