Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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