Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Randomize
