just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm at about main and main street
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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