You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
