so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
