Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
