The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
