I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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