I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
