During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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