Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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