i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
