i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
