I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
