my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
