Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
