Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
