I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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