How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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