I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
