The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
