cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
