My boss' voice literally gives me gas
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
