i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
