all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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