I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
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