I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
this beer tastes like vomit already
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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