remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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