im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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