If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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