I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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