If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
