god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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